Getting through grief

The road of grief can feel very long.

Clients coming for counselling after a bereavement, relationship breakup or other grief experience often are surprised by how long it takes to process the feelings following a loss.

We may go through stages of disbelief, anger, rage, intense sadness, lack of interest in life and feel hopeless.

When you are in the middle of grieving, it can often feel like it will never get better.

It can be difficult to imagine a time when the pain of the grief will ease.

Although grief never leaves us completely, it evolves over time and becomes more manageable and less intense.

When you are going through intense grieving, it is vital to reach out for support from understanding friends and family members as well as seeking professional support if necessary.

After losing my sister, Madeleine, in a motorbike accident when I was 19, I remember how grief came in intense waves and was often unexpected.  It could sometimes hit me like a bolt out of the blue and at times, it felt very difficult to be enthusiastic about life.

We may find it very difficult to feel like we belong in groups of friends or out socially because we are carrying an intense grief. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to enjoy life again.

If you are currently grieving, it is important to take some steps to take care of yourself during this emotionally demanding time so that you do not become exhausted.

You will likely need more sleep than usual, have less energy for daily tasks and you may not want to engage too much with others socially.

For those caring for children, remember that you can only care for others if you are taking care of yourself. We cannot pour from an empty cup.

Try to make some time every day to take some space for yourself and perhaps listen to some favourite music or write about how you are feeling in a journal. If music stirs feelings of sadness, use the time to express these feelings and try writing a letter to your loved one who has died. The important thing is not the content of the letter but to allow feelings to be released.

It can feel easier in a way to be busy and distracted rather than feel the painful feelings of grief but we are only pressing the pause button on our feelings when we do this.

Writing our feelings on paper is a great way to express and release emotions and has been shown to be almost as good as talking to someone about how we are feeling.

A memory box is another good way to collect memories of those we love and is a useful physical place to store any letters, photos etc we would like to look through. The memory box is especially helpful for children and teens. 

Remember to eat well and try not to rely on alcohol to get through a bereavement.

Expect to feel more tired than normal when you are grieving- grief is emotionally draining.

Getting to bed early at night will help you get better quality sleep and will help you cope with the sadness you feel when grieving.

Even a short walk every day will make a difference to how you feel by releasing feel-good endorphins when you exercise.

Though you may not be able to have the same social contacts as before right now, getting out every day in the fresh air does help.  

Maintaining some social contact in whatever way you can right now is very important when grieving and gives you the opportunity to talk about how you are doing. Remember that people will expect you to be feeling sad as it reflects how much you loved the person who died. 

If you're feeling overwhelmed, forget about making 'to-do' lists at this time and instead at the end of the day, make your list of 'what's been done' (e.g. ate well today, took some time to feel my feelings and cry, went for a ten minute walk).

Keep a journal by your bed and note how you're feeling each night.

Allow yourself to feel the feelings of grief and you will be surprised how in a matter of months, you will be able to look back on your journal and see how far you have come.

For now, do the best you can with how you are feeling.

Take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.

To book a session for grief counselling with Nicola, click here