Coping with a complex grief

When we hear of someone dealing with a bereavement, we may not know what has been going on behind closed doors for many years before the death of the person in question.

Not everyone will miss the person who has died, for a variety of different reasons.

For those left behind, dealing with the death may feel confusing, guilt-ridden and numb.

There may be a sense of relief that the person in question is no longer in your life and it can be difficult to feel comfortable being honest about your feelings in these circumstances.

When we grieve the death of someone we love, who has been a positive influence on our life, the grief can feel intense but it is relatively straight-forward.

Complex grief means that we are dealing with a grief experience that is multi-faceted.

For example, I have worked with clients in my practice who may have been caring for a husband or wife but the marriage may have been over long before they got ill.

I have seen clients who have to deal with the death of a partner who may have abused them for many years. Another example can be grieving the death of a parent or family member from whom you were estranged. These are just some examples but they illustrate how stressful and complex the aftermath can be for some people.

If you are dealing with a complex grief, make sure you speak to someone about your feelings, in particular any guilt or regret you are carrying.

Having an impartial person's point of view on your grief experience and the relationship you may have had with the person who died can help you to let go of any guilt, regret and confusion.

When someone dies, we may feel we are expected to only speak well of the person and to forget all the ills between you.  It is important for your physical and mental health to feel able to speak honestly and openly about your feelings and to allow yourself to let any intense feelings go.

Allow yourself to focus on what is good about you as a person and how you care for the loving people in your life. Try not to list out the ways you feel you may have failed or could not give the care you would ordinarily give to someone.

Give yourself time to switch off from the grief by engaging in activities that make you feel peaceful and content. 

If you are struggling to cope with your feelings, speak to an understanding friend or family member or seek out come counselling for yourself.