The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing

Over the years of trying to keep everyone happy, there often comes a time when the cost of people-pleasing starts to take its toll on your happiness.

A pattern of people pleasing can make it very difficult for us to say 'no' to other people.

We can feel obliged to keep the peace, keep everyone happy but at a huge cost to our own happiness.

If we learn as children that the only way to be loved or seen by those around us is by pleasing them, we often continue this pattern of behaviour into our adult lives.

We feel afraid of displeasing those around us and diminish our own needs as a result.

When we have a pattern of pleasing other people we can often fall into codependent relationship patterns where boundaries become blurred.

Our mood can depend on our partner's mood for example. If they seem stressed or angry, we may assume or imagine that we have done something 'wrong'.

We may constantly seek reassurance that we haven't done something wrong.

Healthy boundaries mean speaking our truth about what is OK and what is not OK for us in our relationships with others.

A boundary could be as simple as telling someone ‘I would like you to text me before you call to my house’ or it could be reducing contact with someone who has been a negative influence on your life.

Many people find it difficult to speak up and state what their needs are in relationships and when this happens, it can lead to resentment, disappointment and hurt feelings.

It can take a little time to even identify what our needs are and then some courage to speak those needs to other people.

You may feel shaky when you state your needs and your feelings for the first time but it does get easier with practice.

Ask yourself what do you want the relationship to look like?

What would being clear about your needs look like?

What would it take for you to speak your truth and be clear about what is OK and what is not OK for you?

What support do you need to -1. Identify what you need and, 2. Not feel guilty about being honest with the person in question?

If you were not feeling guilty or bad about yourself, what would you say to the person in question?

The cost of continuing to people-please may include damaging your own mental health, your physical health through problems such as insomnia, feeling stressed and anxiety for example.

If you find yourself struggling with the idea of voicing these needs to the person, try writing them out to help you feel clearer.

It may even be helpful to imagine speaking to them and what you want to say.

Visualise how you will feel once you have said what you need to say.

It is OK to ask for help with this from supportive friends and family and/or speaking to a psychotherapist.

Remember that you may feel very nervous the first time you break your pattern of people pleasing.

You are allowed to feel nervous or anxious and still speak your truth to break a pattern of people-pleasing.

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