Coping with narcissistic behaviour

Many clients come to therapy struggling to cope with a difficult person in their lives.

This might be a partner, parent, adult child or work colleague.

For some, it can feel relieving to realise that the behaviour they are experiencing may be linked to narcissistic traits.

People with narcissistic traits often hold an inflated view of themselves and can appear kind, caring and generous in public, while in private they may be emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable.

They rarely see themselves as being in the wrong and find it extremely difficult to apologise.

When their behaviour is questioned, they may react with anger or indignation and respond by withdrawing affection, criticising or otherwise punishing the person who challenged them.

Putting others down can become a way of protecting their own fragile sense of self-worth.

Narcissists will rewrite the past and make you question your own memory.

Most clients who come for therapy to find ways of coping with a narcissist will ask me 'Am I crazy?'.

This is because the narcissist will rewrite history to deflect blame and accountability from themselves.

People with narcissistic traits have difficulty feeling empathy for others and, therefore are regularly abusive in their relationships with others and ambivalent about the impact they have on those around them. 

Whenever I write an article regarding narcissistic behaviour, I am reminded of the question most clients ask me in my practice- 'but how do I cope with narcissistic behaviour?'. 'How do I manage my contact with this difficult person in my life?'

In my experience from the last 20 years in private practice, it is not the person with narcissistic traits who comes for therapy but the people impacted by them!

If you regularly feel put down, criticised, manipulated or humiliated by the person in question, it may be wise to not see this person on your own if at all possible.

Narcissists have a very different private face to their public face and generally will not show their narcissistic behaviour in front of those outside their immediate family.

Try to bring a friend or understanding family member with you when you have contact with someone displaying narcissistic traits so you are not always alone with the person.

Be clear about your boundaries- you may have to become a broken record in terms of telling the person in question when you are or are not available to them.

Try not to get absorbed into the feeling that you are not good enough which a narcissist tries to impose on those around them.

You are allowed to limit your contact with people who negatively impact on your mental and physical wellbeing.

Remember that keeping your own energy and mental health positive is what is most important.

Ask yourself if contact with the person in question boosts your energy or drains it?

How often would you like to see this person if you could make that choice yourself without any guilt or fear?

If you find it difficult to create and maintain healthy boundaries with this person, speaking to a close friend , therapist or understanding family member may help you to be clearer on the kind of relationship you want to have with the person in question.

Remember that the only person who has difficulty accepting your boundaries will be a person who has already been overstepping them. 

To book a session with Nicola, click here

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