Is it difficult to choose yourself in relationships?

Lots of people find it difficult to choose themselves in relationships, where this means that we are always trying to keep the peace and placate others.

A pattern of pleasing other people can be a deep-rooted one, with its formation starting in childhood.

In relationships, this can show up as regularly bowing to another person's needs and wants, rather than tuning into ourselves and ultimately, choosing to keep other people happy rather than ourselves. We can make keeping other people happy more important than our own happiness.

When people come for help with people-pleasing patterns in their lives, they describe feeling a lot of guilt and anxiety when they feel they displease others around them.

It can feel almost impossible to say 'no' or to set boundaries.

They find themselves ruminating on how they may have caused another person to feel a certain way.

They take responsibility for how other people feel and feel they have to make things better by fixing and resolving things as quickly as possible.

Over time, resentment can set in because of how other people may appear to be taking advantage of the person's good nature and inability to say 'no'.  

Choosing yourself in a relationship means you attune to your own needs without feeling guilty for being honest about what you need.

It does not make you selfish when you choose to do what feels right for you, once we are not deliberately causing harm to others around us.

You have permission to say yes or no to people's requests without feeling guilty.

People who learned to please others in order to feel loved as a child and to feel like a 'good' person often question whether they are selfish when they state their own needs. This is because the person's needs were overlooked in childhood in order to keep on everyone's good side! It can feel alien to start feeling your own needs without worrying about the impact it may have. 

The first step is to start tuning into how you feel.

Allow yourself some time to do this without any pressure to be sure about what you are feeling.

Over time, you will start to notice what feels right and wrong to you.

Using 'I' statements can help us to state what we feel , e.g. 'I feel more comfortable talking about this when we are both feeling calm', 'I feel overwhelmed with all I am being asked to do' etc.

These kind of statements reduce the amount of defensiveness the other person will feel because we are not starting from a position of blame (e.g 'You're asking too much of me'). 

Remember that choosing yourself in relationships means you move into a place of honesty where there is the potential for a deepening of the closeness and understanding of each other.

You are not responsible for another person's reactions to your honesty once you are communicating with respect.

To book a session with Nicola, click here

counselling limerick, psychotherapy limerick, counsellor newcastlewest, counsellor limerick, psychotherapist limerick, psychotherapist newcastlewest, IACP