Is hyper-independence your coping mechanism?

Are you an adult who prefers to handle things by yourself? Does it feel safer to rely on yourself rather than others?

As a child did you learn that you could not rely on others to help you when you felt vulnerable so you now try to keep going and deal with everything alone?

Hyper-independence is a coping mechanism we learn as children when our emotional needs were not met fully. We learn that it is better to be a lone soldier who manages life by him/herself. Though it may feel safer to rely on yourself alone in life, it is also a lonely experience.

There may be years and years where this coping mechanism works well for you.

Others may admire how you are resilient and can always pick yourself up when things go wrong. At times you may feel resentful at how others perceive you to be the strong one, never asking if you are actually doing OK!

Difficulties tend to arise when multiple stressors happen in succession over a few years and your ability to cope alone diminishes. It may be that you go through a bereavement, separation, financial issues or a health crisis.

What you could cope with before starts to feel unmanageable.

It may feel like you are unable to cope with everyday issues as your tolerance for stress reduces. People may report feeling anxious, easily irritated, have difficulty sleeping and can experience physical symptoms such as digestive issues, high blood pressure, low immunity, illness etc. 

Clients usually come for counselling when they feel they can no longer cope with everyday living and their ability to cope on their own has dropped.

The old coping mechanism no longer works.

Thankfully, counselling can help to empty out the container that has been holding all of the stressful events you have experienced.

Talking through how you feel can help you feel lighter and relieved to no longer be carrying the load alone.

It is normal to worry about opening the Pandora's box and to feel afraid of what may come up.

Counselling should be a gentle experience where you go through issues at a pace that suits you and it should not feel overwhelming.

You need to be able to function in your everyday life so counselling should help to reduce your everyday experience of stress so you are feeling more relaxed and able to cope.

Book a session here (in person or over Zoom): https://www.nicolahogg.ie/book-online