Do we know too much? Balancing being there for adult children with fostering resilience

In an Ireland where college-age and adult children find it increasingly difficult to be able to afford or even find their own independent accommodation, parents are dealing with a new challenge- knowing too much about their adult children's lives.

Up until the advent of the smartphone in 2010, parents were not informed of every move their adult child made (e.g 'I'm here now at my lecture and I can't see any friends I know; 'I've a puncture'; 'How do I find out when the next bus is coming?' etc).

Parents are expected to be available 24/7 via phone and an anxious adult child may update them on every perceived obstacle in their day. 

This puts enormous mental strain on parents who never really get to experience their children flying the nest.

Parents often feel responsible to pick up the pieces of their children's lives and can feel resentful of this continued role.

There can be feelings of guilt too around this resentment as they want to be there for their children but where do you draw the line?

Encouraging adult children's sense of independence is vital to develop their own sense of being able to manage their lives.

Resilience is only created through overcoming obstacles ourselves, not with outside help or by being rescued every time a difficulty is experienced.

Do you need to be as available as you are at the moment to your adult child?

What would be the ideal amount of daily contact you would expect at your child's age so they are living independently of you?

What level of help and input did you receive at your child's age from your parents?

Can you see how your parents lack of knowledge about your every move gave you a healthy sense of independence and saved your parents from unnecessary worry?

It may be worth sitting down with your adult child(ren) and setting some boundaries and expectations around your availability and how you expect them to lead their lives, so that they become more resilient and independent.

You can explain that you want to continue to be there for them when life causes them big issues, but you need to step back for their own good and, so that you can live an independent life also.

The bottom line is that you can care and love your adult child(ren) without feeling like your life is taken over by their need for reassurance and problem-solving.